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BUILDING YOUR MATE'S SELF-ESTEEM

by Dennis and Barbara Rainey - 1986, Here's Life Publishers, Campus Crusade
for Christ

Forward by Howard and Jeanne Hendricks

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                         SELF-ESTEEM IS UNBIBLICAL

The entire thesis of Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem is unbiblical and
corrupt. Self-esteem is based on Self-Image Psychology which derives from
that branch of modern psychology called Humanistic Psychology. Self-Esteem,
Self-Image, Self-Worth, Self-Love are not from God's Word, the Bible, and
are not found in the writings of historical Christianity. (See The False
Gospel of Self Esteem)

                           HUMANISTIC PSYCHOLOGY

These concepts and their associated terms are not found within the
Evangelical Church until the 20th century with the rise of Humanistic
Psychology and its concepts of Self-Actualization and the emphasis on
"needs". Humanistic Psychology has played a major role in obsessing this
generation with "Self" and was developed by such men as Abraham Maslow and
Carl Rogers. (See Humanistic & Transpersonal Psychology 1 of 2)

                            LOVERS OF THEMSELVES

God's Word, in fact, warns of these very trends: "But mark this: There will
be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves..."
(2Timothy 3) and this chapter goes on to list the inevitable results of a
self-absorbed society.

                               A COUNTERFEIT

Superficially, the Rainey's book appears to be Christian. It looks close,
but it is a counterfeit. It is sprinkled with Bible verses and even contains
portions that express the Biblical gospel. It is, however, a dangerous
syncretism between Biblical truth and the Wisdom of Man.

                              WORLDLY SOURCES

The worldly sources of their philosophy of Self is represented by various
references to such advocates of unbiblical views as Dorothy Corkille Briggs,
Dr. Joyce Brothers, William James, Mark Twain, Denis Waitley, Tom Peters,
and Dr. W. Hugh Missildine.

We are not questioning Dennis and Barbara Rainey's sincerity in desiring to
follow Jesus. We are simply evaluating their message, as Bereans (Acts 17),
and declaring the message to be false by the authority of God's Word, the
Bible.

                                 BACKGROUND

Dennis Rainey is a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and serves as the
national director of the Family Ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.

From the description on the back cover the Raineys claim:

1. "You can strengthen your mate's self-esteem."

2. "Self-esteem is either the crippler or the completer of the marriage
relationship."

3. "From their experience in counseling hundreds of couples, Dennis and
Barbara Rainey have found that one of the most vital and missing ingredients
in marriage today is the diligent effort on the part of each spouse to build
the other's self-esteem."

4. "Creative ideas for immediate results!"

                                INCANTATIONS

Affirmations are central to "building your mate's self-esteem" according to
the Raineys. In chapter 7, "Words are Seeds", they claim that as God created
with words, "...we share in God's creative handiwork when we use words that
give life to our mate's self-esteem." (p. 105)

"Your mate will become the person you tell him he is." ( p. 111)

The idea that there is creative power in our words is straight from the
heresies of the Positive Confession movement which in turn is derived from
the New Thought movement at the end of the 19th century. The New Thought
movement simply advocated the mystical powers of incantations and mind power
found in ancient paganism. The Positive Confession preachers such as Kenneth
Hagin and Kenneth Copeland often refer to the same claim that since God
created when he spoke words, that we, too, can create when we speak words.

However, when God created the universe by his word, the significance was not
that God SAID it, but that GOD said it. God is the Creator. We are to simply
be instruments in his hands. We are not the Holy Spirit in our spouse's
life. For our spouse to bear the fruit of the Spirit they must abide in the
Vine (Gal. 5:22,23 and John 15:5). We can only be an encouragement for them
to do so.

                             The Praise of Men

On page 107, they say that one must praise their spouse. " Everyone loves to
be praised; your mate is no exception. William James wrote, 'The deepest
principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.' Mark Twain
said, 'I can live for two months on a good compliment.'" It is true, as the
Rainey's say, that "Everyone loves to be praised."

It is true, as William James is quoted, that "craving to be appreciated" is
a "principle in human nature". But this is sin to be repented of, not a
"need" to be accommodated! The Pharisee's loved the praise of men! (Matthew
6:1-4)

"Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers
treated the false prophets." (Luke 6:26)

                                  "NEEDS"

It is a tenant of Humanistic Psychology that humans have "needs" for
"esteem" or "appreciation" or "belonging". Abraham Maslow said that
individuals develop according to a hierarchy of needs: First the
physiological needs must be satisfied (nourishment, safety, and comfort),
then the psychological needs (affection and esteem), and then the need for
Self-Actualization. A Self-Actualized person, according to Maslow, will
exhibit spontaneity, independence, social involvement, self-acceptance,
sense of humor, and a lack of hostility. He will have had what Maslow called
"peak experiences", including "mystical" experiences that he calls
"transient moments of Self-Actualization".

But what Humanistic Psychology calls "needs", the Bible often calls sinful
desires (e.g., 1 Peter 1:14; 2:11; 4:2,3; 2 Peter 2:10, 18; 3:3).
Self-centeredness and the desire to be praised is sin.

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into
the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and
clothing, we will be content that." (1 Timothy 6:6-8)

                               SEEK FIRST...

Maslow's idea of human development through the Hierarchy of Needs is the
exact opposite of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. Jesus acknowledges that it is
the pagans who chase after their "felt needs": "what to eat" and "what to
wear". But Jesus says, "Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness
and all these things shall be added to you." (Matthew 6:33).

                        WILLIAM JAMES AND MARK TWAIN

The fact that the Raineys quote William James and Mark Twain is very telling
as to the worldly sources of such philosophies. William James (1842-1910)
was an American philosopher who, with John Dewey, were leaders of a
philosophical movement called Pragmatism. James wrote Principles of
Psychology in 1890. His philosophy was, basically, that everyone must decide
for himself the answers to the fundamental questions of life.

Mark Twain was a Freemason who wrote blasphemous attacks on Christianity.

                                 SELF-IMAGE

Chapter 1 is called, "Giving Your Mate a New Image". In the section, "Give
Your Mate the Gift of Value", the Raineys quote Denis Waitley (a human
potential advocate) from his book Seeds of Greatness.

"Denis Waitley underscores the poisonous effect of fear and the releasing
power of love. He writes in his first chapter, 'The Seed of Self-esteem':
'So then, the gift of value is the absence of fear..... people who live with
optimism will grow up thinking they were born to fly!.... If our people are
reminded of all the bad we see in them, they'll become exactly what we hoped
they'd never be!' That's it - love casting out fear! Perfect love (God's
love) is more powerful than the fear of rejection."

On page 37, the Raineys answer the question, "What is a Self-Image?"

In chapter 2, "Slaying the Phantom", is the section, "The Centrality of
Self-Image". On page 38: "Your mate's self-image is central to all he is and
does daily. In Seeds of Greatness, Denis Waitley calls our self-esteem 'the
beginning and first seed to all success. It is the basis for our ability to
love others and to try to accomplish a worthy goal, without fear.'" [But is
that what the Bible says?]

Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem emphasizes the "centrality" of self-image
in determining who we are and what we do. In Humanistic Psychology, the
power of the self-image is based on the mechanism of the "subconscious". The
subconscious is said to be an impersonal, amoral part of our personality
that controls everything we are and will become. This subconscious is said
to have been programmed with negative programming since our childhood and
this is what limits us from achieving our unlimited potential. The purpose
in life is to reprogram the subconscious with positive programming. This, of
course, denies the role of our conscious selves where our moral will is
operative and certainly ignores the sovereignty of God.

                           BIBLICAL ENCOURAGEMENT

Humanistic Psychology promotes "affirmation", "self-talk", and "building
self-esteem". The Bible tells us to encourage one another. There is a great
deal of difference between Biblical encouragement and reprogramming the
subconscious, or stroking each other, or affirming each other, or pumping up
each other's self-image.

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact
you are doing" (2 Thessalonians 5:11)

"Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke
and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction." (2Tim 4:2)

"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that
none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." (Hebrews 3:13)

Rather than trying to give each other a new "self-image", we are to
encourage each other to trust and obey Jesus; to abide in the Vine; to love
the Truth; to put our hope in Him.

We are to be motivated by Jesus' love for us and by the sanctifying work of
the Holy Spirit, not by the stroking of other human beings.

"We love because He first loved us" (1John 4:19)

                          RIGHT BRAIN - LEFT BRAIN

Barbara Rainey promotes the New Age popular mythology of Right Brain - Left
Brain in chapter 16, "Securing Your Man" on pages 224-225. (See The Popular
Mythology of "Right Brain-Left Brain")

In order to support these views that are both unbiblical and unscientific,
she refers to a pop-psychologist who makes a living on game shows and talk
shows.

"My understanding quotient took a giant stride forward when I read Dr. Joyce
Brother's book, What Every Woman Should Know About Men ... Simply put, a
man's brain operates specifically, while a woman's operates wholistically.
The right hemisphere of a man's brain can and does operate without the left
being involved, and vice versa. A woman's brain uses and integrates both
hemispheres simultaneously. "

A discussion with any neurological scientist will reveal that these notions
have no basis in fact. More importantly, these concepts are not derived from
scripture. They are popular New Age myths that attempt to turn the human
brain into a Yin-Yang symbol.

                               NEW AGE AUTHOR

How did the Rainey's come to believe the unbiblical philosophies and
techniques of Self-Image Psychology? One indication is their reference to a
book by author Dorothy Corkille Briggs, Your Child's Self-Esteem, published
in 1975.The Raineys call this book a "classic work" on page 36 of their
book. Brigg's book is quoted: "Children rarely question [their parents']
expectations; instead, they question their personal adequacy." This quote is
in a section of the Rainey's book describing the consequences of a faulty
self-image.

It is important to realize what Dorothy Corkille Briggs stands for since she
has influenced the Rainey's by her "classic work". She does not profess to
be a follower of Jesus Christ. Rather, Briggs is clearly a writer of
"classic" New Age philosophies. Her other book (not referenced by the
Rainey's) Celebrate Your Self - Enhancing Your Own Self-Esteem (1977) is
filled with such neo-pagan themes as: "Positive Mental Action. Bathe in the
Truth of You. Your Knower lives within. Your Knower is One with Universal
Wisdom. "I am" affirmations. Positive Imaging. The Real Self. Inner Child.
Within the assemblage making up you is a non-physical Beingness, a Conscious
Awareness, an Inner Power centered in Love. Life Force. I am related to all
Creation. I am part of the great Whole. Visualize the Inner Perfection
created in You. I am one with all Life."

                    HUMAN IMAGINATION AND DENIS WAITLEY

Recall that the Raineys promote their concept of the "centrality of
self-image" by referring to the human potential author, Denis Waitley and
his book, Seeds of Greatness. To further expose the unbiblical nature of
Waitley's views the following are quotes from two of his books.

In The Winner's Edge, Waitley says, "Perhaps the most important key to the
permanent enhancement of self-esteem is the practice of positive self-talk.
Every waking moment we must feed our self-images positive thoughts about
ourselves and our performances, so relentlessly and vivid that our
self-images are in time molded and modified to conform to new, higher
standards."

In Seeds of Greatness, he advocates improving "health, self-esteem, and
creative growth" by recording and playing back "positive self-talk".

In the same book he says that the "right-brain" can record "images and
feelings about yourself". "Who you see in your imagination will always rule
your world."

"As you see yourself in the heart of your thought, in your mind's eye, so
you do become." (The Winner's Edge)

To rely on the human imagination is dangerous and leads to death. The human
imagination is evil. Our only hope is to abide in the Vine, Christ Jesus and
let him bear fruit in our lives by the Holy Spirit.

                                 TOM PETERS

On page 203, the Raineys name drop Tom Peters and "his best selling book",
In Search of Excellence and his audio tape series, "The Excellence
Challenge", in order to illustrate a point about men's attitudes.

Tom Peters is the guru of worldly wisdom who promotes a worldly view of
"success" and corporate "restructuring". The philosophies of men like Tom
Peters ought to be exposed, not name-dropped.

                            "YOUR INNER CHILD"?

Dr. W. Hugh Missildine's book, Your Inner Child of the Past, is quoted on
page 48 of Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem.

"Modern psychology documents that most first-borns are perfectionists. So
also are many second- and third-born children because, as Dr. W. Hugh
Missildine says in Your Inner Child of the Past, perfectionism 'literally
runs in families.'"

The "inner child of the past" concept is another unbiblical concept from the
occult psychologist, Carl Jung, and is popular with the New Age movement.

                      TECHNIQUES AND THE WISDOM OF MAN

Dennis and Barbara Rainey's book, Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem,
represents the wisdom of man disguised as "Christian" by a sprinkling of
superficially applied verses from the Bible. They rely on the subjective
experiences of humans and on the pseudo-scientific observations and
conclusions of psychology instead of on the objective authority of God's
Word, the Bible. (See Questions for Christians about Psychology)

They turn a relationship with Jesus into a set of techniques for success in
marriage.

                            COUNTERFEIT "FRUIT"

The Raineys attempt to produce the "fruit of the Spirit" in their spouse's
life by the techniques of "building self-esteem". But when you use man's
techniques you will only produce counterfeit "fruit". Only the Holy Spirit
can produce genuine fruit in our lives and only when we surrender and "abide
in the Vine", that is, through a personal relationship with Jesus. He
produces the fruit, not our techniques.

                               JESUS SAYS...

Far from exalting or esteeming "self", Jesus says in Matthew 16:24 that we
should deny ourselves, pick up our cross and follow him. Jesus says in
Matthew 22:34-40 that the two (not three, but two!) greatest commandments
are to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus wasn't, also,
giving us a third commandment to love ourselves. He was acknowledging that
even in our sin nature we love ourselves already: we feed ourselves, we
clothe ourselves. He is saying, "Now, go and serve other people like you are
already serving yourself."

                            FIX OUR EYES ON JESUS

The whole Christian life is built upon dying to self and serving God and
serving people. We are to get our eyes off of self and fix our "eyes on
Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2). Husbands and
wives must realize that they are helpless and hopeless, but, "While we were
yet sinners Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

Through repentance we find forgiveness and then a life of surrender; of
trusting and obeying. What we must respond to is, not any sense of our own
worth, but the fact that Jesus loves us, and he wants to use us!

Husbands and wives who truly desire to be bond-servants of Jesus Christ will
have marriages that are all that God desires them to be.

"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will
be lovers of themselves..." (2Timothy 3)

"The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and
follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons." (1Timothy 4:1)

"For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It
teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live
self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait
for the blessed hope - the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior,
Jesus Christ..." (Titus 2:11-14)

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